Run Buddha Run!

It's a well-known fact that people love to stand on the streets of San Francisco and pass pamphlets and advertisements out to those of us innocently trying to actually use the sidewalk to get from one place to another (crazy notion, I know). As many who've come before me, I've learned the best way to avoid this this little dance is to make sure the headphones are in and eye contact is not made. The two, very simple acts have served me well during my 4+ years in the city... until yesterday, but you knew that was coming right?

I was on my way to the post office (what happened once I got there is a story for a different day) minding my own business and invoking my avoidance method of choice. However as I continued on my way, I could see a Buddhist monk holding little papers in his hand, sharing a smile with all who passed. A monk? Really? I felt my determined city strut begin to waver. You can't just ignore a monk. I mean I didn't have to talk to him, but surely a smile wouldn't cost me anything. I still had my headphone line of defense, so I knew I didn't have to worry about an attempted conversion ;)

As I neared the man, I knew he had me in his sights. I knew this because he ran right up to me, almost blocking my path. I could now see it was a pile of Buddha stickers he was holding in his hand. The headphones stayed in, so all I saw was him smile and his lips mouthing the word,"hello." He then placed a sticker in my hand. I smiled back, my heart now warming to the fact that I didn't just walk by this kind man without acknowledging him. I'm not Buddhist but I mean who doesn't want a Buddha sticker and why wouldn't I show this man kindness by graciously accepting his gift? I thanked him for the sticker motioned I was in a hurry and continued quickly on my way.

I got only as far as the corner when I heard something like shouting behind me. The earphones came out and I turned around in time to see the Buddhist monk half walking half running down the sidewalk to catch up to me, arms flailing, all the while shouting "Donation, donation!" I had a sneaking suspicion that "hello" and "donation" were the only two English words he knew. Darnit! I was so close. He's probably not even a real monk, I thought. Alas, I smiled and said "I'm sorry I don't have any cash" (which this time, was the truth) and attempted to go on my way, all the while hoping that no one had just seen me get chased down the street by a Buddhist monk.

Before I could turn all the way around, however, said Buddhist monk ripped the Buddha sticker out of my hand, gave me the evil eye, and walked away. I was left standing in the middle of the sidewalk dumbstruck hoping and praying that no one just saw what probably looked a Buddhist monk chasing down the girl who just tried to steal from him.

I walked away from this experience with two thoughts. The first: my headphone/no eye contact method clearly needs tweaking. The second: it's good I don't believe in karma because who knows what that monk has in mind for the girl who tried to steal his Buddha sticker...

Xo,
Lauren

To Butt Dial or Not to Butt Dial...

Wouldn't it be nice if we actually had the option? But no, that's not how butt dialing works. It's completely out of our control. To date, I've had your basic every day interaction with butt dialing. The most traumatic experience I had was back in college (by that, I mean the first go around at college, since technically I'm still in college).

Anywho, this was about five years ago back on the East coast. I was down the hall in my friends' dorm. A bunch of us we're hanging out. I look down at my phone and realize it was calling my grandparents, no it was in the middle of a full on 3 minute conversation with them. No biggie right? Except that it was 2 am. Biggie!

My immediate reaction was to hit end and hit it again and again. Then I prayed. I prayed they hadn't heard the phone or that the connection didn't really go through or that maybe someone somewhere else in the world had butt dialed them at the same time and the calls cancelled each other out. God answered with D, none of the above (which He sometimes does as He has the right to). The next thing I know, my phone is ringing. Yup, they're calling me back. Crap.

Now, my grandparents are pretty cool people and I knew this incident wouldn't threaten their love for me, however I did fear for my likability numbers. My call to them had gone on for over a minute, which meant that likely, on their end, the phone rang, waking them from a peaceful slumber, forcing one of them to get out of bed to answer the phone, and scaring them half to death when they could hear me on the other end but I wasn't answering their “hello, hello's.”

I don’t particularly remember what happened after I answered, but five years later they still talk to me so I probably didn’t need to get as stressed out over the whole thing as I did.  In the years since, myself and my cousins are often at the other end of my grandfather’s butt dials, but that's another story for another day ;)

There have been several over the years, my favorite happened last year. I pocket dialed my cousin while he was in Florida. I was here in California and it was before midnight, meaning 3am for him. I had just concluded a probably somewhat inappropriate conversation with my friend and ended it by telling  her to “chug chug chug” her beer. I then looked down at my phone, realized I’d been on with my cousin for a good solid minute and fifty seconds, and thought, "wellll, he’s going to have an interesting voicemail when he wakes up."

So where am I going with all this? Well this morning, I received a phone call, at 4:30 A.M. There I was, fast asleep, in my cozy comfortable bed, dreaming of Blake Shelton taking off his... well dreaming, and all of a sudden Blake’s phone started ringing. Nope, dream ruined, it was my phone, and it was still dark out. My immediate thought was somebody died. My cell phone is off, my parents couldn't get me on it, so they're calling me on my apartment phone to tell me someone died. Crap.

I got out of bed and walked ALL the way to the other side of my apartment. (It’s not that far) I looked at the caller I.D. and temporarily relaxed because I knew I didn't have any Jewish relatives. I mean none that I currently know of. So in the process of 4 seconds, I decided whoever is on the end of this phone call is going to get it. It's 4:30 am you stupid solicitors. Usually they get the polite, “thanks but I'm not interested” Lauren. Today, they were not going to get that Lauren.

So I answer the phone and low and behold it was a......

Yup, a baby. A real life goo goo gagaing baby. I heard buttons get pushed, drooly giggles, and then, who I assumed to be, the parents react rather quickly when they realized their baby was playing with the telephone. They, of course, promptly hung up on me.

Immediately I added “get butt dialed by a baby” to my bucket list and then crossed it off. That counts right? I mean I’m sure if I had thought it up first it definitely would have been something I wanted to have happen. However, it did inspire ANOTHER addition to the list: Use my future baby to prank call people.

Xo,
Lauren